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there must be some little anecdote, similiar to murphy's law that states something to the effect of "it likes to land on your head, all at once." i currently have five jobs. i'm kind of tired. on mondays and wednesdays i think i drive about 150 miles...i'm not exactly sure, but it's a ridiculous zig zag of a commute. o, and i quit my job. the one i've been wanting to quit for months, i did it. this is my last week. i can't wait. come june i hope to be staying up too late drawing and sleeping in too late, walking to chango for breakfast, drawing on napkins, dreaming big dreams and devising devious schemes for future actions, rolling around next to isabella's grave as a non-smoker, going to see movies in the cemetary and whatever else it might take so that i might have a little time to breath, and heal.

lancelot is my new fish. if i wasn't so comfortable and stowed away under these covers in bed, i would take some pictures for you to look at but no, not tonight. he is deep red, like blood. his fins are the most lovely, luxurious, long, fluttery, flowy, ribbony things i have ever seen in my life. perfect for drawing. he is much more sprightly than laurence was. laurence passed away from the cottony mold about a week or more ago now. i almost flushed him, but thought better of it and buried him next to isabella. laurence was very shy, lacking energy and interest in the most basic of things, like food for instance. anyway, lancelot is a prince. i can tell he's in love with me. as it should be....

one thing i am so thankful for right now...the seemingly constant presence of musicians in my life.

brother comes home for summer next week.

I'm: exhausted exhausted
Sounds like: Nothing-Gwendolyn

1 or you tell me what
last month i realized that too soon june would come and go and i would have never fulfilled the goal i set for myself last fall; that of getting some of my work up on a gallery wall, in any capacity. that gave me the blues some. however, one week prior to easter, enter ye old beneficent universe and watch him come through again, this time in the form of one danielle shang and a myspace message. cause get this, i now have the most wonderful task - to bust my sweet ass and get as many of these done and framed by may 13.

I'm: thankful thankful
Sounds like: coming up roses - elliott smith

3 or you tell me what
megan is singing us lullabies. there is a woman here from new orleans. i think she's moving to ellay. she was happy when she found the pasta i made for dinner was made of brown rice and not wheat. ben is leaving for new jersey on wednesday. he'll be gone for two weeks. it will be strange to not see him for such a long time as i've gotten into the habit of him again, even if only for meals around echo park. i don't know what the hell is going on with him, us. i think or rather fear that he is simply happy to be friends, and that he will perhaps realize he had eventually hoped for more when he sees me move on. he keeps our picture by his bed for christ's sake. even i'm sane enough to put that shit in a box, and i'm the one that supposedly still got feelings left. i want to ask him what he is feeling but there is this block over my tongue that refuses to form the question aloud. like after the humiliation of it all, i need him to come to me. but i fear i'll have already let go by the time he's able to do that, and ironically that may be what enables him to do so. o hell. work is well, the vespa is still no go. though hoepfully within the week. god fucking christ i miss riding it. and i'm missing my favorite season. the weather's been gorgeous. well except the air is shit now for all the fires. felix and i have been feeling things out, the communication is good. i don't know if he's reading this or not, but if so, hi felix! i started a new painting. megan likes it. its not much yet, just a lot of leaves, silhouetted against my favorite blinding blue. but whatever, it feels good. i think i will paint some letters too but i just don't know the right words yet. underpaint in acrylic, finish in oil. there is a depth to the oil that i miss. the light shines through and sparkles like looking into someone's eyes that you love. plus i think it will sell for more if it's in oil. indeed. i am thinking of them as children i must part with. a new leaf. and now then, i think i'll draw a little flower.

I'm: happy happy
Sounds like: I Should Care-Thelonious Monk-Solo Monk

you tell me what
i make goal and tell everyone i know: by next june my work will be exhibited on a wall in a gallery. group shows totally count. i'm sick of not being included in all this business. tangentially related, i have been putting up power tarot cards over my monitor for a couple of months now. this month i have three. two of wands, signifiying purity, for not being such a goddamned raging alcoholic, and hence achieving a bit more clarity of mind. three of crystals, signifying creativity, so as not to be lazing around wasting time when the paid gigs is done. and the emperor, for getting entrepreneurial on all your asses and finally doing more than merely getting by, which i am beginning to truly tire of (not enough to get a 9-5 of course!). i like visual aids, what can i say. completely unrelated, my student brought me a piece of chocolate cake today. it was so moist and delicous i could hardly believe it. my vespa won't start, of course when gas is 300 dollars agallon. lovely. however, ijust billed a client so i will be able to pay for whatever the damn thing needs to get it running again. i hate driving my car. next project is to get a more economical and less hulking heap of shit as a backup vehicle (goal number two). but seriously. my work. on a wall. between now and next summer. if not. i will fucking smash my head in two with unused potential.

I'm: determined determined
Sounds like: This Year's Kisses-Billie Holiday-Lady Day: The Complete Billie Holiday On Columbia 1933-1944 (CD 02

3 or you tell me what
I AM SO HAPPY TO BE ALIVE!


will expound later - now must run far away from this wretched computer

I'm: happy happy
Sounds like: What's The World Got In Store-Wilco-Being There (Disc 1)

2 or you tell me what
i keep forgetting to write me down. i'm good. i went over to ben's house for fresh almond milk this evening. yesterday we had kimchi and donuts and decaf coffee. sunday i went to his show at spaceland and when i got a little too drunk to drive home he took me for a ride back to the practice space and to benito's for a california burrito. i asked him to go to thebutterfly exhibit with me this weekend. i tried to get another boy to go with me, i really did. but butterflies are not so interesting as getting it on i guess. the sunset junction was fun. i had my little reunion with jessica which was nice. she makes me smile. isabella bit me on the face today. it hurt a lot, kind of like when i got my eyebrow pierced and in a very similiar place too. but i love her. she's wonderful. alison's dad came and got the rats today. that made me happy. i don't like having rats in my room too much. i need to work harder. i know there are such beautiful pictures in me but i simply am not getting them out. i'm not sure what the blockage is. maybe just lazy, but i think not. maybe fear. maybe something like when you have something big to say but are too shy to just say it, cant find words. i need to develop my extroverted side maybe. i let things happen too much. i would like to instead start making things happen. my roommate just got home. i love her. i am very happy in my new home. i think echo park is the bees knees. i might start teaching at a real school in january, if enough people sign up. that would awesome. gas is like 3 dollars and 30 cents a gallon (premium) right now. but i drive a vespa so i don't really care. my grandparents and eric and gurujit both lost everything or close to everything that was in their house during the hurricane but everyone's ok. nana and papa jack might stay with donna. she'll try and get them to stay there, no doubt. that would be nice. i could see them more. they're getting old and will probably die eventually. megan and i are going to watch the news of new orleans now and smoke pot as well. i am drinking whiskey. i like it.

I'm: peaceful peaceful

1 or you tell me what
my computer is giving me nightmares. headaches. whatever.


tonight we usher in a new era. i have a model coming over to my house in one hour.
i am very excited. i am going to warm up now. just wanted to mark the occasion.
you tell me what
i am officially addicted to caffeine. i am weening myself off starting today, only a cup of chai tea this morning and splitting headache is the result. well, maybe not splitting. but did discover carrots and are really yummy for dipping into hummus. isabella says HEWWOO and i am off to pick up keram and soil for garden now more thoughts on nothing, later.

I'm: headache
Sounds like: Filles De Kilimanjaro (Girls Of Kilimanjaro) - Miles Davis

1 or you tell me what
i am starting to look a little bit thick around the middle. i wish i could say this does not bother me...but i can't. and what i really wish is that i wasn't so god damn hungry all the time. there seems to be some internal vacuum that just wants to connnnnssume whatever is in sight. smoke, tasty treat, intoxicating/not beverage, you name it. must curb this. must sit still and feel content with what is. eat when hungry drink when thirsty and on and on. the hole is a whole, the empty is full. bonnie.

the very second i was starting to feel a little bit sorry my roommate had came home, thinking to myself, jeez i wish i could afford to live alone, i immediately realized how nice it is to have her here. there is music and activity in the house. i wake up on saturdays and i am not alone. not that i fear being alone but its so cheerful to wake up and see a round-faced red-maned woman bustling about organizing her nest.

i hugged ben goodbye the other day and told him i missed him. he said he missed me too. then he walked down the stairs, out the gate, and down the street. it is still so nice to have him around. the familiarity is all there. hell, even the attraction is still there. but i'm going out to meet a boy at the roost now.

I'm: awake awake
Sounds like: ambient

2 or you tell me what
i am a genie ous. i just copied the ingredients from a delicious bottle of indian spinach sauce into my wok and made my own. things are chugging along quite nicely. megan comes back home monday, social inertia is gaining, i am less dependent on any one person and or thing (i explain this to alison in letter form). the silkscreen press is moving out of my sanctuary/studio next week which is really really good news because A. its fucking crowded in there like a cattle car on it's way to a tragic end in poland and B. i never even use the damn thing. first of all i wouldn't need it even if and when i decide to print my own stuff and then there's the fact that it has brought me in grand total: 60 dollars. which i have yet to receive and or spend. so the studio will truly be. all mine. this is a gorgeous prospect. i can hardly wait. everything else can wait. sex (well you know, the real regular kind), love, babies, reciprocation of good favor, certainty of any flavor. besides, it's all here anyhow. all i really want (NEED) is that fucking studio in order. the safe spot i can go to withdraw into myself and grow, pile the manure on and eventually blossom and flower them pretty pretty pictures entitled "self". my spiritual darkroom, asitwere.

the weather has been beautiful this week. today i drove down wilshire from robertson to rampart. macarthur behind me (which is BEAUTIFUL during the day) and there saw a flock of passenger pigeons swooop down and around me at my stop sign and in the distance beyond (to the west) an old gothic style cathedral, korean presbyterian. i sit in wonder (+joy) for a moment then turn and zoom east. it is funny to me that in the midst of these my most sublime moments i am often times spied and then simultaneously experienced as being somebody else's magnificent for at the least, a fleeting second. sometimes i see it and it looks like a look of utter confusion and dumbstruckedness. it makes me happy to know i can do this without really even trying.

I'm: mellow mellow
Sounds like: Gurnard - Isan

1 or you tell me what